Wordy Wednesday Week 6: Letting Go

To me this poem speaks not of the cycles of nature but of the great tensions of life.  Let me explain.  It seems like every week I'm contemplating what to do with my teenager.  This week again I am really wondering if it's finally time to let go and just let him go live with his dad.  I feel unappreciated and definitely disrespected.  The truth is too, I am beginning to resent him.  I have another child too but I spend an exorbitant amount of time wrestling with my oldest. How can a mother say that about her child?

He has always been one to throw a fit when he's told to do something that he doesn't want to do.  It's beginning to be a little more than a fit.  This morning we had a tussle.  After repeatedly telling him to get out of bed, he came downstairs and acted like he was punching me in the face.  I slapped him.  He was not given his phone because his dad and I decided it should stay home instead of leaving the house to get lost again.

These two things obviously upset him and our morning consisted of this plus him grabbing my finger and bending it back, cursing at me, throwing pens, pencils, and his backpack at me, refusing to take his medicine, threatening to call the police and telling me that he wasn't going to come home after school today.  It's 9:30 and I'm exhausted already.

There are a lot of things I can claim to have done wrong.  Maybe there was a better way of waking him up and obviously slapping him in the face set him off too.  What does he think though is going to happen when you catch someone out of the blue and pretend to punch them?

The words today come from a poem that I found back in the spring when I was first starting to really contemplate the idea of letting him go live with his dad.  I guess there can be a lot of different interpretations for this poem. If you look at it literally, it's definitely a beautiful and peaceful poem about nature that vividly describes the changing seasons.  For me personally though, I saw it as a metaphor on life.

Having shared custody between two families is an extremely complicated process.  Magnified if the two families do not see eye to eye on any issues relating to the rearing of the child.  Of course who this is most detrimental on is the child.

I am definitely not perfect in my child rearing abilities and I know I have made mistakes.  Unfortunately my mistakes are always put on display because I am the one who is the "bad guy".  I'm the one that pays the bills, I'm the one that deals with school and homework, I'm the one that organizes activities to keep my son out of trouble, I'm the one that plays the role of the adult and I'm the one that is constantly criticized for my decisions by both my child and my ex. 

I guess what I'm saying is, I wonder if now I've done all that I can do.  I know that my son is only 13 years old and still has much to learn from the adults in his life but it seems like it may be time for me to accept that I have given him all that I can these last 13 years and it's time for his dad to get it a shot and for my son to start making his own choices and facing his own consequences without mom "bailing him out".

The poem speaks to me as a metaphor on life's seasons and the trees are not just trees, but a symbol of humans "dressing" and "undressing" as they prepare for different stages of life.  Right now, my son and I seem to be going through a season of birth and rebirth.  My son is becoming a young man whether I like it or not.  He is changing from my little baby boy to becoming his own person.  I've prepared him the best I can to go out and make his own decisions and unfortunately we are at a point where he is no longer listening to what I have to say.  Maybe it would be wise for me to take a step back and face the reality of winter while hoping for another spring. 

Wordy Wednesday Week 5: The Death of Me

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It's really hard to feel like an effective parent when you have a child that is at a point where you tell them to do something and their response is flat out defiance. I'm trying to ignore the negative behaviors and have no reactions only logical consequences but damn it's hard.

For a specific example, let's go to this morning. I told my 13 year old that he is grounded today and tomorrow for his disrespect and defiance and he is also not going to the school's dance on Friday if he does not find his missing agenda/planner. His response, “You are not the boss of me” and “I will do what I want” and then he walks out the door to be with his friends. Now granted, he came back in about five minutes later, but still just that fact that he is doing this is getting my blood boiling. So anyway, I'm not going to kill him I am going to remember the following the next time he's pushing my buttons and/or during the next argument.

Tips for Dealing with Your Teen

1. Focus on the behavior, not the person.
   I'm trying to really focus on these negative disrespectful behaviors as things that need to change. My goal is to tie these negative behaviors to logical consequences and stick to them. I also need to try to have something positive to say about him every day, although I'm embarrassed to say, it's been hard.
   
   
2. Remember what the argument is about....filter out the trivial.
   I notice that arguments can quickly escalate, especially when people lose their cool. My job is to not lose my own temper and focus at the task at hand. Since a lot of my son's issues involve him not taking time to think about the outcomes of his action, me role modeling calm behavior is that much more important.
   
   
3. Be prepared for the low blows. Don't allow the words to hurt.
   Yikes! How many times am I going to hear “You are a horrible mother”, “You need to take a lesson from X's parents on how to be a good mom”, “You never care about anything I want”? Or my favorite one lately is, “You are not my mother. I'm going to call you Jen (my first name)”.
   
   
4. Good parents aren't born. They are a work in progress.
   Okay that makes me feel better.

Wordy Wednesday- Week 4: Why Being Kind is Better Than Being Right

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We all want to be right, but sometimes really, what's the point?  Is the point to prove that you have some wit about you?  Is the point to prove that you are a really cool person?  Are you trying to establish yourself as a leader at work or at home?  Is there a power struggle going on with someone that you don't want to admit?

I think that the need to always be right stems from a lot of different reasons and if we're not careful can be come a habit and an unfortunate trait of character.  However, giving up this need to always be right can be an important lesson that may not only mend current and future relationships but can also bring your own mind at ease and bring you peace.

The thing that gets in the way is our ego.  For some reason we feel that if we do not prove that we're right and "win" the argument we are less of a person or a weak parent.  Of course I'm not saying that we should forget our values and simply approve of everything anyone says or does.  That would lead to a weak character and a boring conversationalist, not to mention a very wishy washy parent. 

It's tough because pretty much any parenting book is going to tell you that you should never let your kids know what you don't know.  Never let them know if you are indecisive, Stand your ground or they will walk all over you, and on and on.  It's tough having to pretend like you have all of the answers.

This week the quote on top is going on our fridge.  My teenager thinks that he has to argue whether the sky is blue everyday, refuse to eat, and in general just create conflicts to assert that he is indeed becoming an independent young man.  In other words, he is trying to "engage" us.  My hope for him this week is that he will read the words and chill out a bit with the whole charade.

My husband and I have another task.  Our task is to not turn a blind eye to these behaviors, but rather try to really listen to what is going on underneath these actions.  I think that what is really underneath these blatant shows of disrespect is a boy crying out for some attention and some guidance on navigating his feelings and insecurities.  It's his job to challenge our authority.  It is our job to understand this without taking it personally and find ways to teach respect and discipline without losing our cool. 

This week, I choose kindness and I will choose to really listen to what my son is trying to tell me, however convoluted it may be.  This week I will choose to slow down and listen to what my baby is telling me with his cries.  This week I will choose to slow down and be in the moment when my husband is telling me about his day.  This week if there is conflict, I will choose to listen and model kindness in order to hear what my family is really trying to say. 

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I Love Words...Wordy Wednesday Week Three

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This quote is so very powerful I find it pretty difficult to add anything to it.  This week we have really been frustrated with my older son saying rude and obnoxious things.  It really seems like anything that comes out of his mouth is either an argument or some critique of our character.  I know that we are supposed to ignore it to a certain extent and trust that this is a stage in normal teenage development, but it gets to be difficult sometimes. 

Unfortunately though, I know that I myself am also guilty of saying things that I've later regretted too so I guess it can be a "stage" that can continue into adulthood if you're not careful.  But this week I will remember that my words as mom have everlasting power.

One of the problems kids with ADHD have is that they tend to say whatever is on their mind at that moment and don't think about what kind of consequences lie on the other side of their comments.  Lots of times the comments are funny and witty, sometimes their enormously insightful, often without intent they are rude and hurtful.

You see, it is an issue with impulse control.  In a conversation, most people are able to evaluate the situation, read the other person for cues, think of consequences, and evaluate the situation again before they speak.  A lot of people can't do this and say immediately whatever is on their mind without thinking of the consequences.  Of course this can be a great personality trait.  These people are courageous and take chances in life, or they get punched in the face.  I'm hoping for great things.

Impulse control is going to start with me.  Without accepting the negative behavior, I have to remember that his words more often than not are coming from a place of frustration.  It's my job to help him find the words that he's searching for.  He's looking at me and the other adults in his life to model what it looks like to be compassionate, to listen to others, to think before you speak and to look before you leap.  Kind words are going to start with me.  Wish me luck.

I Love Words...Wordy Wednesday Week Two

About the picture on the left....when you have a teenager, I think it's important to remember this quote.

The teen years are a  time when it's important to muster up the strength and love 'em unconditionally.  I don't mean letting them run a mock. I mean that even in the midst of unspeakable challenges, even if you may have to discipline harshly, they know and you remember that no matter what the crime they are still loved unconditionally.  Even when we are disappointed with their behaviors, they should always know that they are loved and it will be alright in the long run.  Which, if you are a parent of a teenager you know that this is sometimes easier said than done.

I found an amazing article titled, "Raising Resilient Children and Teens" by Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg from the Psychology Today website.  It's funny because so many times I read these books or articles and I feel like they are amazing because they speak right to the issue I'm facing.  It's a lonely place, parenting a teen.  There are so many resources for what to do with the "Terrible Twos" and "Crying Babies" but when it's a problem with a teen...not so much.

One line that I really like and need to remind myself when my boy tells me that he hates me is:  Remember, our teens rarely hate us; they only hate how deeply connected they feel to us.  That should make me feel better.

Another phrase that caught my eye:  Just because you are in the midst of a crisis doesn't mean you have lost your child.  On the other side of the crisis may be a deeper relationship and a son or daughter who has once more learned to turn to you.

That is part of my problem, I am often sick with worry over my child.  I worry about his future.  I worry about his lack of organization.  I worry what his teacher must think of him...of me.  I worry about the choices he makes.  I have worried at times that I had "lost my child". 

Late Spring we had our own major crisis.  During one of our ongoing battles over homework that escalated into a power struggle with words that flew with venom, I hit my son.  I tried to hit him again but he ran out the door.  He eventually found some friends and they must have talked about what was the best thing for him to do, which was to go to the school and call the police.

I'm not proud of this moment and I hope that I never reach a point as low again where I let anger cloud my reality.  Those months after this incident, and this summer when I thought he might go live with his dad were probably the hardest months of my life.  It would be easy to say that these challenges were brought about by a boy challenged with ADHD, split between two households, wrought with teenage angst.  The real reality though is that I let my son down.  I have to be the stability in his life.  I have to be the adult.  I have to be the one that recognizes that these teenage years are a difficult time.  It is a time of steps in our life that we have to take in order to find out who we are, what we really believe in, and where we stand as our own individual self.  It is a time or a phase that that we all must go through in order to reach that higher place.

Teens are not the only ones that must "go through" something to reach a higher place of understanding.  I'm not sure I've ever done as much reflecting as I've done this past summer.  Which is the point of the second picture.  The lesson that I have learned from this is that I need to remember who my son is.  That this young man is still my little boy that caught frogs in the backyard and choose to have donations to the animal shelter in lieu of birthday presents when he was five.  He's still the person who I read animal and Roald Dahl stories to every night and loved dinosaurs more than anything else in the world.  Underneath all of this pain and confusion that he is going through now, is my young man.  I dwell too much on the worries and need to remember the beautiful, passionate, and kind person he really is inside.  I hope I never forget this lesson.

Thanks for reading.

I Love Words....Wordy Wednesday Week One

“Words... They're innocent, neutral, precise, standing for this, describing that, meaning the other, so if you look after them you can build bridges across incomprehension and chaos. But when they get their corners knocked off, they're no good any more... I don't think writers are sacred, but words are. They deserve respect. If you get the right ones in the right order, you can nudge the world a little or make a poem which children will speak for you when you're dead.” 
― Tom Stoppard, The Real Thing: A Play

Words can be powerful.  Words can make you feel as though you are the most important person in the world.  Words can make you feel like you want to lay down and die in a hole.  Words can calm a tense situation.  Words can create and effect change.  On the other hand, words are capable of igniting an unstoppable fire, forever dividing anyone in their path.

My son has ADHD.  I won't go into details here of his story, but anyone who has a child who struggles with behavior problems might know and be able to relate to the challenges we face everyday.  We are also a blended family.  My husband does not always have the patience for my son and I am often torn up by this reality.  Also the reality that the world (including myself) does not always have the patience that my son requires.

My son is thirteen and starting seventh grade.  He is the most beautiful, fun-loving and deep down kindest person I know.  He is super intelligent even though his performance does not always show it.  We had a pretty rough year starting middle school.  One that culminated with yelling arguments, numerous behavior plans, phone calls from the school, demands to go live with his dad, family therapy, visits from social services and also a decision to start medication after many years of refusing this route.

Given that I am sort of anonymous, I'm feeling kind of at ease posting this.  I find a lot of support online when I'm needing it.  My family is at odds when it comes to what is best for my son.  Mostly, I hear that he is just a normal boy doing normal boy things.  I'm not so sure anymore that trouble finding him wherever he goes is normal or very good for his self-esteem.  I know he is at such a cross roads in his life (middle school) and he needs a strong and supportive family to back him now more than ever.

So here goes my version or opposite version of the popular "Wordless Wednesday" postings, "Wordy Wednesdays".  Each week I'm posting on my fridge a quote that I want my son and my family to remember and for all of us to hopefully reflect on.  My version (a very inexpensive version) of therapy.