Wordy Wednesday- Week 4: Why Being Kind is Better Than Being Right

http://pinterest.com/pin/33988172161338464/

We all want to be right, but sometimes really, what's the point?  Is the point to prove that you have some wit about you?  Is the point to prove that you are a really cool person?  Are you trying to establish yourself as a leader at work or at home?  Is there a power struggle going on with someone that you don't want to admit?

I think that the need to always be right stems from a lot of different reasons and if we're not careful can be come a habit and an unfortunate trait of character.  However, giving up this need to always be right can be an important lesson that may not only mend current and future relationships but can also bring your own mind at ease and bring you peace.

The thing that gets in the way is our ego.  For some reason we feel that if we do not prove that we're right and "win" the argument we are less of a person or a weak parent.  Of course I'm not saying that we should forget our values and simply approve of everything anyone says or does.  That would lead to a weak character and a boring conversationalist, not to mention a very wishy washy parent. 

It's tough because pretty much any parenting book is going to tell you that you should never let your kids know what you don't know.  Never let them know if you are indecisive, Stand your ground or they will walk all over you, and on and on.  It's tough having to pretend like you have all of the answers.

This week the quote on top is going on our fridge.  My teenager thinks that he has to argue whether the sky is blue everyday, refuse to eat, and in general just create conflicts to assert that he is indeed becoming an independent young man.  In other words, he is trying to "engage" us.  My hope for him this week is that he will read the words and chill out a bit with the whole charade.

My husband and I have another task.  Our task is to not turn a blind eye to these behaviors, but rather try to really listen to what is going on underneath these actions.  I think that what is really underneath these blatant shows of disrespect is a boy crying out for some attention and some guidance on navigating his feelings and insecurities.  It's his job to challenge our authority.  It is our job to understand this without taking it personally and find ways to teach respect and discipline without losing our cool. 

This week, I choose kindness and I will choose to really listen to what my son is trying to tell me, however convoluted it may be.  This week I will choose to slow down and listen to what my baby is telling me with his cries.  This week I will choose to slow down and be in the moment when my husband is telling me about his day.  This week if there is conflict, I will choose to listen and model kindness in order to hear what my family is really trying to say. 

http://pinterest.com/pin/33988172161338754/

I Love Words....Wordy Wednesday Week One

“Words... They're innocent, neutral, precise, standing for this, describing that, meaning the other, so if you look after them you can build bridges across incomprehension and chaos. But when they get their corners knocked off, they're no good any more... I don't think writers are sacred, but words are. They deserve respect. If you get the right ones in the right order, you can nudge the world a little or make a poem which children will speak for you when you're dead.” 
― Tom Stoppard, The Real Thing: A Play

Words can be powerful.  Words can make you feel as though you are the most important person in the world.  Words can make you feel like you want to lay down and die in a hole.  Words can calm a tense situation.  Words can create and effect change.  On the other hand, words are capable of igniting an unstoppable fire, forever dividing anyone in their path.

My son has ADHD.  I won't go into details here of his story, but anyone who has a child who struggles with behavior problems might know and be able to relate to the challenges we face everyday.  We are also a blended family.  My husband does not always have the patience for my son and I am often torn up by this reality.  Also the reality that the world (including myself) does not always have the patience that my son requires.

My son is thirteen and starting seventh grade.  He is the most beautiful, fun-loving and deep down kindest person I know.  He is super intelligent even though his performance does not always show it.  We had a pretty rough year starting middle school.  One that culminated with yelling arguments, numerous behavior plans, phone calls from the school, demands to go live with his dad, family therapy, visits from social services and also a decision to start medication after many years of refusing this route.

Given that I am sort of anonymous, I'm feeling kind of at ease posting this.  I find a lot of support online when I'm needing it.  My family is at odds when it comes to what is best for my son.  Mostly, I hear that he is just a normal boy doing normal boy things.  I'm not so sure anymore that trouble finding him wherever he goes is normal or very good for his self-esteem.  I know he is at such a cross roads in his life (middle school) and he needs a strong and supportive family to back him now more than ever.

So here goes my version or opposite version of the popular "Wordless Wednesday" postings, "Wordy Wednesdays".  Each week I'm posting on my fridge a quote that I want my son and my family to remember and for all of us to hopefully reflect on.  My version (a very inexpensive version) of therapy.